The Flow.

“Life could be an easy thing,” I thought. After all, it is easy as following some simple rules and routes. You get up early, study, go to school, after getting good grades go to college and get a degree, get a job, get married, have few kids, raise them and hope they take care of you when you retire and at last wait for few years for your long lost brother death to come and take you away. Life is as simple as it goes and same rules apply everywhere you go. I see this life all around me, my father has done it, my mother has done it, my every family member has done it and nearly all people I have come to know have done it and those who refused to follow this, have come to it in time. There is no reason for me to deny how easy life is to live and yet.

Yet I struggle to get up early, go to school, getting good grades, going to college and I refuse to get a degree. Something inside me screams, begs, cries while following this path. My innards cramps, my heart burst out with just the thought of doing these things, I say yes but my body responds with overwhelming no, sometimes I wonder death might be kind than life, huh and I thought Life could be an easy thing. It is not easy is it when every cell in my body refuses to obey my order. Even seeing others do that makes me weak and frail. When I say, “get up it is for your own good” A voice for inside cries NO! NO! NO! like a child refusing to do its daily chores. I try to reason with the voice that it is very easy and proven way to live the life and yet my body fails to respond me. The fault may be in me, I never have seen people who struggled this way, maybe I am just an odd seed that sprouted a different tree than the rest, or I am just a madman who doesn’t have complete control over his own body. Then again “Life could be easy, right?”.

Seeing sun rising in the east and setting in the west thousand times just makes me more nervous. It is not that I personally go and watch the sun rise and set but I do watch clocks hand rise and set and feeling is similar. The passage of time is a curse, the capability of feeling the time pass by is the curse of the highest order. Every second a voice inside me asks “What have you done?”, and I answer back “I have done nothing.” and I hate it. It is not that I do nothing, I certainly think of doing something but when I try, my body just freezes, my blood thickens, my senses become dull and pain sweeps through my body, every inch screams NO! and with this pain, time slows as if, time is mocking me for trying. Seeing the clock spinning sends nothing but a chill through my spine and Seeing clock while doing something makes me wonder when will I finish, time slows down in pain and fastens to give me pain when I am doing nothing. I probably fear my long lost brother death as time is the rope that binds me to him, I fear that he will ask me “What have you done?” but I fear more that then I will answer “I have done nothing”. I don’t fear brother but his question and I fear more for what will my answer be then. Sometimes in that trying life seems to feel like a burden and a thought just comes to mind of hugging the brother and saying proudly “I have done nothing”. But I am a greedy man, I rarely let anything go. And giving away the only thing that may give a chance to do something seems a preposterous option, no matter how heavy to bare it is.

But then again “To do something” are very vague words. In its sense I do something every day, I do sleep, eat, sit in front of a computer for hours and all that is doing something. Yet it does not have that feeling when I say “I want to do something”. I do know that I want to do something, yet I do not know what I want to do. And so I try as I have seen all other people around me try and to me, it does seem simple enough and yet again I fail to do it because of me. On one hand voice inside me screams “Do something!” and on other hands, the same voice inside me screams “No NO”. It seems that voice has some dual personality disorder and yet I agree with every word it says. And I keep asking my self “What to do, What to do” hoping that the answer will come before my brother asks “What have you done?”

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